From Euphoria to Rage

Page 10

     I can understand how someone can give up when they live day in and day out seeing nothing but gloom and sadness and feeling there is no way out. Who would want to live everyday feeling so sad, so helpless and hopeless? I just pray my Zack will never feel that way. I pray each day that new and better medication will come along to help these people. I have been depressed, deeply depressed, but never to the point of wanting to end my life. I just think that would be such pain, to feel life is so difficult the only way to feel better is to just be gone.

I pray he will have a joyful and happy life, the one he deserves, the one everyone deserves.

While at the beach Zack’s behavior became increasingly bizarre (while on the Neurontin). He seemed euphoric, almost like his feet did not even touch the ground, running around, jumping constantly. While fishing on the shore one day he would run up to strangers walking on the beach and bring them over to look at the baby sharks we had caught. He ran to everyone screaming “hey, come here, come look at my sharks”.




Then he began have several “mini rages” a day, he would start screaming for no reason, four or five episodes a day. Needless to say tensions were very high with my parents vacationing with us, knowing, or at least feeling like my father thought my son was the most unruly, undisciplined child in the world, and in need of a really good spanking. The final breaking point came one evening when he was playing with his sister, and by accident, truly, he bumped her on the head, she began to cry, and Zack left the house in tears. I followed and he said “mom, hurt me.” to which I replied “Why would I do that? I don’t want to hurt you.”


Depression Cycle



He insisted “just hurt me, maybe it will get all the meanness out of me. I know you want to kill me.” At this time, my heart breaking I knew how sick he was. He had never said such words to me, never said anything concerning death or wanting to die. He was inconsolable, hysterical with tears flowing like I had never seen. He began to focus on a dog that we had to give away several months prior, he begged for the dog back, claiming how much he had missed him, that the dog was his best friend (he had rarely played with the dog). The only way my husband and I could calm him down was to promise Zack another puppy when we got home. The next day, I called Dr. Y and informed him I would be discontinuing the Neurontin, it was making my son a basket case, and instead we would try the all natural route to mood stabilization that I read about in the book. All of the medications seemed to be wreaking havoc on my son, on his mind and his body, at the time he was five years old.

     As we promised, upon our return home from the beach we promptly looked through our local classified ads in search of a puppy. We found an ad for some mixed breed pups and Zack and his dad were soon in the car to bring our new family member home. Zack was so proud to get home with HIS new puppy. He named her Maxine. Maxine was a cute solid white puppy, skinny with a long tail. He named her Maxine because he had intended to get a boy dog and had picked the name Max (for Max Steele, one of his action heroes), but since Max turned out to be a girl she became Maxine. He was so happy, so proud, every bit the new father. Zack loves animals, especially dogs; he would have 100 if we allowed it. (cont)

Maxine (top) and her brother Deuce


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