My Pity Party

I am posting after yet another episode of hell here due to  raging and lack of impulse control and inflexibility of my 17 year old son. Pardon me, or not, if this is really raw.

These episodes happen usually as a result of something very minor.

Really. Minor.

Today he was set off because his younger sister asked to watch her “show” on the main TV in the den, where he was watching a show.

(background) the show he was watching he has seen several times already, and has recorded, so he can watch any time. The show she wanted to watch is only on the Netflix channel, that she usually watches in the upstairs play room which seems to run cold.

So, she asked could she for once watch her show downstairs and he could finish watching his show when hers went off. Sounds simple enough. Right??
Wrong

For a child who has a brain like concrete and NO flexibility in his thinking at all it is impossible to “switch gears” like this.
I asked him if he would help me out, and let her watch her show, and the standoff began between him and her.
The showdown began.
He becomes more and more agitated, as does she, name calling begins. So, since it seemed like he was not being agreeable to something I thought was not a major request, I told him he had to let her, for once, watch in the den, especially since his show was recorded AND he has seen several times already. I hoped for a miracle of agreement. NOT

The Rage begins.
Oh, did I mention a plumber was at the house doing an emergency plumbing job? It usually happens this way. So, outside our house, the plumber can hear my 17-year-old son screaming, like someone is killing him. Along with him yelling at his sister, them chasing each other and the total chaos going on. (while I am outside trying to talk to him about what the problem is)poor guy is looking at me with some concerned expression as he is hearing all of the commotion from inside. I just calmly say..”that’s just my 17-year-old unhappy because he didn’t get his way”

The next thing we  hear is  a bang on the front window, above where we were at the source of the plumbing problem. As I look at the window I see that my son has hit it, and broken yet another set of blinds.

Oh well, par for the course here.

Things are always getting broken during his rages.

Throw in this mix of madness my husband just left again for out-of-town business trip for a week. And I am here, as always, dealing with the chaos alone. Trying to get two kids from killing each other.

As I enter the house, my son is crying and sobbing like a 4-year-old (again, usual behavior). I wonder, will this ever get better?  Will He ever get better? Will he ever mature enough to someday be independent? Ever? I give up.
We had a beautiful new house 6 years ago that now looks like a place of destruction because of all the holes he has made in walls (during rages). Fortunately I have become pretty good at plastering and re-painting them. Yet some I just leave, the ones where he slams a door so hard it puts a whole in the wall where the door knob hits.

I am feeling so, so, hopeless, worthless, not caring anymore, giving up. My pity party begins.

We live in constant upheaval, the house always needs repair, when we try to get ahead financially something always breaks or needs to be fixed. It’s never-ending. Now, I know, we are not alone. Not by a long shot.

But I am thinking, why?? I’m a good person. We are good people. I pray, am faithful, as does Zack. Poor kid prays everyday for GOD to help him get better. For him to feel and act better. Nothing, no peace comes to him or us. Many days we feel lost, unheard. And he asks, often, why did GOD do this to me? Why am I like this? Why wont GOD answer our prayers? I don’t know. I just don’t know.  My heart breaking, again. His doctor is fantastic, but medications usually only bring stability for a brief time. Never long enough.

This business of Good Boy Roy I have been diligently working and trying to grow for 3 years now, for him, to be his future, seems to be going nowhere. Or, should I say, not where we hoped it would be by now. This too makes me feel like a failure. I think to myself, if I was better, smarter, more business savvy it would be a National brand by now. If only I could do more. He will not, I am sure, be able to work for someone else, on their terms or time frame, but will need to work when he is emotionally and mentally capable. Which was the reason to start the business. People with the extent of neurologically based challenges that he has need great flexibility. So, we plug along. Living our life. Hoping. Praying.

I go about the usual business of cleaning up whatever destruction is left. Trying to gather my nerves most of all. Waiting, hoping, praying he will calm down soon. Hoping, praying, my daughter will somehow grow up to not hate her life or her brother, but somehow understand he is sick, and not purposeful of most of his actions like this.  He has been under constant medical care since about the age of 4, with tests run, EEG, Cat scans and the like, which show total disorganization in his brain. The cause of his multiple diagnosis, OCD/ADD/Depression/Anxiety/Tourette’s (caused by a strep infection in 5th grade) and 3 head traumas.

As I continue on my pity party, I as always, am thankful for what we do have. Thankful for what my son has accomplished and what he can do. He is a loving, sweet boy, as long as he is stable. But the inflexibility rarely, if ever, gets better. We have much to be thankful for as so many have lost children, lost loved ones, devote lives to children who are unable to even feed or bath themselves. Yes, a midst the turmoil and chaos, we are lucky. Very lucky.

Pity Party over.

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6 thoughts on “My Pity Party

  1. You have a tough row to hoe. Is there a support group in your area that could help. It’s very difficult for the whole family facing this kind of challenge. You especially, Mom, are an unsung hero. I wish you and your family the best.

  2. You are not alone, remember that. We have similar episodes with my 12yo. His 16 yo brother gets the brunt of the littler one’s outbursts, like a punch to the head on Friday. Older brother now tells me he wants to be a psychologist when he grows up. He’ll be a good one! Hang in there. Through your trials and your willingness to share with others, you are helping more people than you probably imagine. Hugs to your son, and tell him he’s not alone either. Things will get better.

  3. Never feel like your a failure. I believe the only failures we have in life is when we don’t try. I know things are difficult and there are no easy answers but always remember that there are people that can support you in the times you feel like your heart is breaking. Life is always full of opportunities if we just take the time to open our eyes and see them. Never give up and only look forward. This is just a moment in time and it to shall pass.

    Aaron Brinker aka DadBlunders

  4. I’m experiencing those exact emotions right now while dealing with my 8 yr old and it’s HARD. HARD. HARD. Just when I think I’m all cried out I begin again, feeling helpless, feeling guilty as if I’ve done something wrong to make him this way. My bipolar child takes so much time and energy and I feel awful for his older brother who deals with the destructive rages and… it’s a lot. A. Lot! However, reading your blog has brought a glimmer of light, by a way to explain to others why I’m feeling not as chipper today as maybe two days ago and why my child does what he does. Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone. I’m not alone… now.

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